lack of existence – “?”

I’m about to diagnose myself with an imaginary psychological disorder where I doubt my own existence

the feelings I get about non belonging to anything or anybody 

i don’t belong to a family, i don’t belong to a country, to a society, i don’t belong to existence

Am I real?

Do i actually have my own name ? or it’s the fact that millions around the world have the same name?

Are they my own parents? or just people who gave me birth?

Are those my friends? or just people i know like everyone else knows them?

Is that my school? my own desk? my books? my dreams? my past ? my memories? my feelings? my desires? my failure? my future?

what is all that! 

Am I a person? am i a thought? I may not be invisible to you but deep down I’m invisible to myself.

And that’s true.. I’ve never seen myself falling asleep, I’ve never seen myself dancing, I’ve never seen myself laughing so hard

I’ve never seen myself “being born” , I’ll never see myself dying.

how am I supposed to be so sure then about my own existence?

I have only felt these stuff, Am I feelings?

What is that? What is the fact that i have my own body? my own look? my own personality? 

why is it so different? all different? Is it because I’m told I’m different?

my nails, my eyelashes, my voice, my emotions, my judgments, all mine, why do i have all that ? 

It’s just too much to have, yet too much to ask for, and too much to ask about 

” I doubt my existence, therefore I don’t exist” 

 

 

the movement : Extrovert to Introvert

you love people, but all of a sudden, nobody is enjoyable anymore.

you love social relations, but suddenly it feels like these relations are no longer relating anything.

[…]

somehow that’s how you stop being an “Extrovert”, and start moving toward introversion.

halfway there, your world will totally collapse. Everything, every single thing you previously had, will fade away, your memories, your feelings, your passion, your definitions of the world inside you and the world you live in , will all change.

Here you get to “the balance point”, which is more of a second birth, you are a new person  who is about to step into and new world that exists between four walls only, you’re about to become an “Introvert”

you’re isolated from everything except yourself, yet – as previous extrovert – you’re not into yourself, yet ..

and here comes the battle between conscious and unconscious, the “who am I” and “what are thoughts” “what  are feelings” “why me. why this time. why this place”

you will feel locked inside a body that you never chose to have. that’s where you reach a connection with yourself, dear introvert.

it’s when you build a connection with the hidden part of you ,the part that society and social occupations made you hide and forget about.

the real you, your bare soul, your essence, your “me, myself and I” moments.

[…]

why do I write?

because i don’t wanna talk

i don’t want to be heard

i don’t want the consequences of my suicide attempts to be impulsive

i wanna bury them with eternal words

and the fact that the word “bury” doesn’t fit the eternity of my words, i’m gonna use my “Praying in Hell” concept of “why would you pray if you are already in Hell?” to explain.

it’s because you want to, and that’s how i’m gonna bury my “me” here, and leave her for eternity, buried, non spoken, non seen, unless you care enough to drill …

– This sense of randomness is the balance that separates the “random Extro” from the “sensitive Intro” in me, and i’m still halfway there.

Emotional Pedophilia (auto-biography)

i was sexually abused when i was 9

i grew up thinking either i’m the most beautiful girl in the world, or i have no link to beauty and ability to attraction

after growing up a bit and realizing what really happened at the age of 9, i hated all the men on earth, every single one of them

including my father

which led my to family troubles

therefore my home held a sense of insecurity and a lack of safety

at the age of 15-16 , men aged 28-32 started to get closer to me thinking i’m mentally so mature before realizing that they are double my age. some of them left after knowing about my age, some of them stayed preparing me to fit their expectations when i get 18.

i didn’t like any of them .

but they tried to provide a sort of safety and security ; because the left overs of my suicide attempts showed that i needed love, i need what i though is missing from my own home and my own family, that was the weakness point the used to get me to be theirs .

and some of the men that stayed, eventually left because they were either married or in a relationship… and after a while i kicked the single ones.

the amount of sadness and deaths and breakups that was surrounding my life was really huge.

after leaving those men behind, i got eating and sleeping disorders .

i was mad at everyone and everything, i was deeply broken .

but i kept on telling myself things will change when i grow up .

in the procedure of growing up i realized that nothing was really changing , more messed up feelings, more men in and out, more stupidity in my life, it was unbelievable …

and like fairy-tales and miracles, i heard the story of a girl that has something in her personality a bit like mine, her story when she got accidentally shot in a ceremony and she was 99% close to the end of her young life.

she said it changed her life, she saw death really close, and the most important was that she saw death really challenging.

her story was the virtual bullet that changed my life , i was dying for all these years and now it’s time to catch the bullet and pass it out to every single aspect of my miserable life.

turned out i can’t change my family that i though it lacked safety  , i can’t change my look that is attracting old men only, i can’t change my thoughts on “HOW I THINK IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE” and “HOW I WANT IT TO BE “.

i know we are all going to die one day, and since that we all know that, none would like to take out a time of his life to read this long post , but all i can say is

i really hated my situation , and now the situation is the same, but it’s not mine anymore.. now i’m living up high and aiming higher, taking advantage of my 140 IQ  not to date older men and skip classes, but to do what it’s supposed to be done with it, “the good for humanity”

now i’m working on an “EXPERTISE SHARING PLATFORM” with a professional team, which is something that will have the same effect that google and facebook had on our lives in the past decade .

if you reach this line, you are a dear reader , thanks a lot for reading my biography   .

i don’t believe in men , i don’t believe in life, reality, marriage, society, limits, love, success, failure, fun or food.

i believe in charity , in happiness, in progress , in laughter, in death, in math.

and most of all .  I BELIEVE IN DREAMS because they are the real estate of how i think it is supposed to be and how i want it to be and what i wish it was

thank you  

another titanic story

thanks to gravity everything is drowning, whether in water or air, it just falls down, that’s a general rule that nothing and no one can break , except the dark energy* (space and astronomy material) , the real energy that is fighting gravity, literally.

and since that the human body is made from stardust, some people were born with dark energy inside them, “the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently” , they are all people who never gave up to gravity , and aimed so so high . these people are the ship that never sank, they fought gravity, these people are the reason I’m alive, because the moment i decided to stay alive for the rest of my life was the moment i chose to see things from another point of view -or another telescope (astronomically speaking)- and i became the titanic that decided to fight gravity (and the iceberg) and swim her way to the west coast safely .

*for more infos about the dark energy visit http://www.darkenergysurvey.org/

My First

not just my first blog or blog post ever, but my first remarkable move, I just wanna grow up, until then, YET ANOTHER LOST TEENAGER

I wont use my real first name because I like this one so much better : ONS

and because I’ll be telling a lot of miserable stories I get to hear and live in my daily life.

although no one may ever read my blog and my stories, I’ll post, I’ll just post here to abuse the virtual world that will keep demolishing my life until it can provide time travelling ..

I’m lost, not in thoughts or directions, but in time. waiting for so long with nothing you can do about that except counting the bad ideas and the bad situations that bumps into your head every minute is what’s making me lost .

 

so until then , the lost Ons will remain , to remind me and my imaginary reader that I have purposes, and time will pass by , so it’s worth waiting.